TIME OF THE TURNING - by Ray O'Bannon

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No, Really! I'm tellin' ya... it's the Time of the Turning, and in a little while this whole place is gonna be crawlin' with vampires! Yeah, I KNOW how it sounds but I’m serious here… vampires, the things are gonna be all over the place and that ain’t ALL, pal. There’s gonna be… ah jeez, you ain’t buyin’ a word of this, are you?

I don’t guess I blame you. You’re just sittin’ here on a park bench tryin’ to have your lunch, and here comes this loony tellin’ you there’s vampires comin’. Of COURSE you don’t believe me… you didn’t just have your whole freakin’ HOUSE burned down! But I’m gonna sit here a minute and catch my breath, and while I do I’m gonna explain to you, just once, what kind of horrible situation you’re in. What is that? Bologna? Gads, how can you eat that stuff? Anyhow, here’s the point…

See, I know things most people don’t know. I know, I know, you think I’m a drunk, you think I’m a druggy... do I look like a drunk? I’m wearin’ a suit, ain’t I? Silk shirt. These shoes? You don’t even wanna KNOW what I paid for these shoes. Point is… I’m sane as you, buddy. I just know the facts.

See, I’m with the mob. I can tell you that now ‘cause in a little while it ain’t gonna matter, ain’t NOTHIN’ gonna matter… but yeah, I’m in the mob and I used to go around ‘acquiring’ things, mostly books and sometimes a small crate or package. And I couldn’t help wonderin' why those books were so important to these people, so I started readin' the things. And I peeked inside a few of those crates and packages once or twice, but that was a pretty bad idea. Point is… they were collecting things they thought might help them get in touch with… well, let’s call it ‘a new business partner’. And this all went WAY beyond just the mob, OK? LOTSA different groups had a hand in this thing. Anyhow, I found out enough to realize the Time of the Turning is just around the corner, and they couldn’t have possibly picked a WORSE time to try to contact this thing!

It has to do with celestial alignments and I think it involves quantum physics and stuff so I ain’t even gonna TRY to explain about the Time of the Turning, but it is BAD, buddy. REAL bad. And you don’t wanna be around when it happens. Except I figure the vampires will kill everybody off first, so it ain’t really gonna matter…

Yeah, yeah… you still don’t even believe in vampires. See that little cemetery over there, just past the trees? Thing’s fulla vampires, no doubt about it. See, that’s the kinda things people miss. Everybody thinks a vampire has to sleep in the soil it was buried in, and if it wants to move around, people figure it’s gotta fill a box up fulla dirt and crawl inside. Bram Stoker had it right, but nobody paid any attention to what he actually said! A vampire has to sleep in HOLY ground, it’s some sort of supernatural paradox. So you tell yourself vampires can’t spread around because somebody would notice all the earth bein’ moved around. Fact is they don’t even need their own coffin; they just ooze into somebody else’s once they find a churchyard. They go from church to church while you sit there eating bologna sandwiches.

And don’t think they’d be happy about me tellin’ you this. They came after me once they realized I was the one movin’ most of those rare books and packages. They figured three vampires would be enough to take me out, but they didn’t count on me havin’ silver bullets. Yeah, I actually had silver bullets… stop lookin’ at me like that.

See, I don’t hang out much with the other guys in the organization. I just get the work done and go home, so they like callin’ me the ‘lone ranger’. I hate that. Anyhow, my birthday was last week and these wise guys give me a clip fulla real silver bullets as a joke. So I load ‘em up, but since I don’t NEVER actually shoot nobody I still got all nine rounds when the vampires show up. Now THEM I got no problem shootin'. Wasted one shot ‘cause I was a little rattled, it was four in the mornin', but the next three rounds each wound up somewhere in a vampire’s face. They lay there flappin’ around on my living room rug until sunup, and then they did what they’re supposed to do. They went up in flames and burned my whole freakin’ HOUSE down! I knew I’d be havin’ more visitors, so I headed out and I’ve been on the move ever since. I’m thinkin’ maybe if I get out of town before it happens... but you don’t know, do you? Eat your bologna.

See, I just didn’t feel right taking off without tellin’ somebody what’s goin’ on. I mean… I can’t warn everybody. Who would believe me? So I figured I’d get it off my conscience by telling at least one person… just one person. So I’m tellin’ YOU. And now I’m gonna be on my way, ‘cause I sure don’t wanna be here when…

What’s that? Yeah, I know… the sun’s turnin’ red and it’s droppin’ down towards the horizon WAY too fast, and it’s getting’ cold all of a sudden, and there you sit lookin’ all surprised even though I just TOLD you… Time of the Turning. See those headstones over in that little cemetery crumblin’ all to pieces? See those vaults and tombs all cavin' in? Time of the Turning.

Well, hey, I’ve done what I can, you know? I’ve tried to warn somebody before I left. I know you don’t know what to do now, I don’t either. And I don’t know if gettin’ out of town will do me any good or not, but I figure I’ve still got five silver bullets, and maybe that’ll buy me some time. As for you… well, if I were you I’d hurry up and finish that sandwich.